Akogare
by s' old fic
Summary: My take on Eriol and Tomoyo. Definitely not CCS canon. Version 2.0 up 2003.6.20
1. act 01

It was so early that the hall was still unmopped, judging from the slight sheen of dust on the pearly gray floor.  

Daidouji Tomoyo looked at her watch.  

6:45.  

It was way too early for anything.    

Nevertheless, she drew out her white shoes from her shoe locker, placed her own patent leather school shoes inside, and closed the door shut.  The smart rap of metal rang out in the silence.  Heaving a sigh, she bent down, took her satchel, and started to make her way to her classroom.  2-B, Tomoeda Junior High School.  As usual, she would be the very first to arrive.  The friendly old janitor already knew her, and when he was too preoccupied with his work to chat with her on the steps, he usually let her wander around the still-empty corridors streaked with the early morning sun. She often went up to the quiet rooftop where she would run to the edge, hold on to the rusty railing and gaze down at the disheveled students sleepily trudging to school, heads still filled with the previous night's dreams.  

Tomoyo stopped in her tracks, in front of a small room that had the sign "Unauthorized People Keep Out" dangling precariously from the doorknob.  The door was slightly ajar.  She peeked in.  The janitor was nowhere to be seen.      

That meant that she could go ahead and use the music room.  

As if the thought had suddenly pushed a button that made her spring to life, Tomoyo started running, shoes squeaking down the hallway, up the stairs, past the teachers' room, until she reached a cream-painted door.  Pale fingers eagerly fished in her pocket for a key.  She was lucky that the choral club moderator had entrusted her with the spare.  She usually spent so much time in the music room; sometimes using up most of her practice time just sitting by the window and dreaming off into space, until somebody would pop in the door and tell her to go home.  It was her little getaway, a small quiet nook where she could be alone and not be reminded of certain things.

Certain things like...

Her heart sank unbidden at the thought, but she impatiently shoved it aside and concentrated on her pocket.

Fingers brushed cold metal.  Found it!

Suddenly there was a faint clink coming from inside.  Tomoyo blinked and pressed her ear against the door.  There it was again.  Few more experimental clinks, then a pause.  Then, a soft, lingering ballad.  

Somebody was playing the piano. 

Tomoyo blinked again, tucked the key back in her pocket, and noticed for the first time that the door was open.  Who in the world could enter the music room other than her and the janitor?  She slowly drew back the door and peeked inside.

The playing stopped.

A boy sat at the grand piano, pale fingers resting on the ivory keys.  He turned around in his seat to look at her, and as he did so, the morning sun streaming from the open door flashed in his glasses.  He squinted and took them off.  Dark hair fell over dark blue eyes --- blank at first, then softening in recognition.  He then smiled, like he always did.  

"Good morning, Daidouji-san."

"Good morning," Tomoyo politely replied,  "Hiiragizawa-kun."

********************************************************

**Akogare (Longing)  
**A CCS fanfic by Sakura   
Standard disclaimers apply.   
New edited version thanks to Oneesama. *huggles*   

********************************************************  
  
  


  
"The door was open." Hiiragizawa Eriol smiled by way of explanation. "So I came in."  

Tomoyo did not know what to say in response to that, so she just nodded silently.    

From the open window drifted in faint sounds of a ball being tossed around, shouts, a whistle.  Soccer team practice.  That meant more people were coming soon.  The trees took on a more brilliant shade of green as the sun rose higher in the light blue sky.   Tomoyo remained standing by the door, immobile, as Eriol touched a key and pressed slowly.  The soft solitary note wafted out into the silence.

Finally he stood up, closed the oak cover over the keyboard, and motioned for her to have a seat.  "I'm sorry for disturbing your morning practice like this."     

Tomoyo quickly shook her head.  "It's all right.  I apologize for coming in while you were playing."

It was his turn to shake his.  "I don't mind; I shouldn't be using the music room at this hour anyway."

"Are you sure you don't mind?"

"Not at all."

If the situation took place at another time, Tomoyo would've smiled, even laughed, with amusement at the way they skirted around each other with their politeness.  I'm sorry.  Excuse me.  I beg your pardon.  She and Eriol had it down pat, this language of strangers.        

"It's odd to see you in school this early," she remarked in an attempt to make small talk.  He unobtrusively ran a hand through his dark hair.  Her eyes were drawn to his fingers.  Pale flesh against black.  So engrossed was she in them that she barely heard him reply.  "Yes, I find it pretty unusual myself."

In the distance, a whistle blew.

She cleared her throat, distracted by the sound.      

He blinked at her as if to say, What now?  She was still frozen by the door, stiffly silent, waiting for him to speak up.  Her violet gaze was on him.  Your turn.  So be it.  He decided to play along.    

"So, why are you in school so early, Daidouji-san?" 

She blinked, as if surprised by his question.  "W-Well, I don't know.  I always come to school at this hour."

The whistle blew again.  Time's up.  Game over.

You lose.  

"I'd better be going now.  I'll see you in class then." He smiled, moving past her.  She made no move to stop him, although the polite smile plastered on her face registered something of the old friendly Tomoyo protesting, No please stay for a moment longer, after all it's been a while since we last talked even though we've known each other for years—

His shoulder accidentally brushed against hers as he went out the door, and Tomoyo instinctively raised a hand to the spot, as if to brush him away.     

***

The art teacher was hollering above the din.  "Pair up with the person seated behind you and sketch each other's faces.  I want them in by the end of the class!"  A collective groan rose as everybody started jumping up from their seats and calling out for their partners.

Tomoyo drew out her pencil and pretended to absorb herself in sharpening it while her quick violet eye was already on the light-brown haired girl sitting beside her.  

Kinomoto Sakura.  

She stretched her arms upward, giving a little yawn, then bounced up and eagerly rapped the desk of the boy seated behind her, a chestnut-brown haired fiery amber-eyed boy who was digging frantically in his bag for his sketchbook.  "Syaoran-kun, hurry up!  We only have until this period to finish the sketch, you know."

"Give me a second," Li Syaoran hastily said, sifting through his notebooks.   

"Ting!" Sakura sang playfully, "your time is up!"

Syaoran pretended to heave an exasperated sigh.  "Fine, TWO seconds then."  

Rap rap rap went the textbooks in his satchel.

She suddenly sobered.  "Pencil?"

His reply was muffled.  "Check."

She walked over to his side and bent down so she was looking into his bag as well, poking a finger experimentally here and there.  "Did you leave it behind?  I can give you paper if you want.  I have lots."  

"It's all right," he murmured, tenderly, then more triumphantly, "Found it!"                   

She beamed.  "Great, let's go!"  

Tomoyo hastily looked away, feeling as if she had intruded on a private moment.  She started busying herself with brushing off the shavings from the lap of her skirt.  

"Tomoyo-chan," Sakura called out, gaily.  "Tomoyo-chan!"  

Tomoyo snapped her head up with a ready smile for her best friend.

"Syaoran-kun and I will be at the schoolyard.  Where will you two be sketching?"

_You two_?

"Eh?" She blinked in surprise.  

"We might just stay here in the classroom," came a calm reply.  She turned around to see Eriol smiling up at them.  His gaze then shifted to her briefly, before turning back to Sakura.  He knew.  He must've seen her watching them all this time.  Her cheeks burned at the realization.

"Okay.  See you later!" Sakura smiled, and as soon as they left, the room suddenly fell completely silent.

He cleared his throat.  "It looks like everyone's outside save for us."

Tomoyo stood up to shift her seat around so she was facing him.  They had to do draw each other's faces, that much she knew.

"Are you sure you want to stay here?" he asked.

Squeak! went her chair as she turned it about.  She sat down and opened her sketchbook.

"Are you sure you want to stay here?" he asked again, more gently this time.  

"Yes."  A twinge of pity --- for him?  for herself? --- settled itself in the pit of her stomach.  "Yes, here will be just fine."

And she did not dare turn away from him again.

Penance for having completely forgotten that he was there behind her all this time.                   

***

_Once upon a time there was an ordinary girl who met a lion-like creature who called himself Cerberus.  He gave her the task of capturing cards --- Clow Cards, they were called --- scattered throughout the sleepy town of Tomoeda.  The girl, blessed with magic, pursued these cards with all her might, sealing them one by one.  The only other person who knew of this mission was the girl's best friend, who saw everything as a magical shoujo anime come to life.  The best friend loved the idea so much that she'd  make frilly costumes herself and film the girl running around and weaving spells in them.  The best friend loved the girl, period --- not because she was her best friend, not because she put up with wearing the costumes and being followed by the customary camera lens --- but because she was herself and that was reason enough to love her deeply.  Madly._

_But we digress._

_One day a boy with fierce eyes and unruly hair appeared.  He had flown in from a distant country, intent on capturing the Clow Cards himself.  He had a long shining sword on his back and hatred in his amber eyes.  Don't get in my way, he roughly ordered the girl.  From that point on the girl had found herself a rival, and things would've gone on like that --- fairly uncomplicated --- if it weren't for a number of things, like a gentle smile, a forgotten dream, a boy waking up one day and realizing that he was helplessly in love.  The best friend knew.  She watched the boy stammer and blush in front of the girl, deciphered the puzzle, and decided to intervene.  She deftly gave the strings of Fate a soft, slight twist, waited a little more, and watched the girl open her eyes and fall in love with the boy._

_After the task of capturing cards had finally come to an end, the boy went back to his homeland and stayed there for some time, but the girl waited for him patiently, until the time came that he was made to come back and return he did, embracing her under a shower of cherry blossoms, promising that they will be together forever.  _

_And here the story ends._

_Nobody questions the best friend's plight --- her costumes, her camera, her heart;  nobody asks if she is happy, if she gets rewarded for her act of kindness, if she finally finds herself loved in return.  _

_Like everyone else in the fairy tale, she lives happily ever after._

_She has no choice but to do so._

***

"Has it been a month since Li-kun came back from Hong Kong?" Eriol asked out of the blue, patiently working his pencil over the sketchbook angled against the edge of his desk.  

"A month and a half," Tomoyo responded instantly, absently drawing a circle on the paper.  The beginnings of a face.  She had been sitting in front of him for some time without drawing anything at all, and a quick glance at her watch told her she had to start soon or else.

"Sakura-san looks very happy."  His hand worked over the sketch slowly, precisely, as if he knew exactly where to place the lines, the curves, the shadows.  Here goes the delicate chin, the wisp of hair against the pale cheek, the somber violet eyes, the unmoving lips.  If she were crying then, would he know where to place the tears?

"Sakura-chan loves Li-kun," Tomoyo pointed out, but they both knew it wasn't necessary.  Bending over her sketchbook, she drew two circles for eyes and two bigger circles for glasses.  Then a wide smiling mouth.  Eriol was easy to draw.  Even if you didn't get the features right; just as long as you had the smile, it was Eriol.

"Sakura-san, she---" he hesitated, "---does look happy.  Happier than she'd ever been before."

"Hmmm," she vaguely commented, widening the smile a little with her pencil.

He then said something like, Please look up so I can see your face again but she was too engrossed with the smile to comply, so it startled her when a gentle hand suddenly cupped her chin and nudged her head up; it startled her to suddenly find herself staring into dark blue depths that were Eriol's eyes, drifting here and there, drinking in each detail.

"I'm happy for Sakura-san," he continued the conversation rather absently, all the while his dark blue gaze slowly tracing the outline of her face.  She couldn't tell from his voice if he really meant it or not.

"I'm happy for her too," Tomoyo blurted out, raising her chin a notch higher.  Something briefly flickered in his eyes as they traveled from the side of her face down to the curve of her chin, then to his sketch.  His hand finally released her, and she ducked her head back to her sketchbook.  

"We all are," he conceded, tracing a line here and there.  "Happy for her, I mean."  

Her pencil returned to the smile, now wide and teasing like a Cheshire cat's.  Somehow it didn't look like Eriol anymore.  It seemed to taunt her, this wide cruelly grinning mouth.  She quickly tore off the sheet and crumpled it into a ball. 

"Here you are, Daidouji-san."  

She looked up and saw the sketch he finished.

It was her, all right; perfect down to the last detail.

The picture of infinite sadness.  


	2. act 02

*******************************************************

**Akogare (Longing)**  
A CCS fanfic by Sakura   
Standard disclaimers apply.   
New edited version thanks to Oneesama. *huggles*

*******************************************************

  
  
He saw and knew everything.  

  
  
And that was not because there was half of a sorcerer named Clow Reed inside him, a being who easily saw beyond the future and possibly, what was even beyond that.  No, it didn't take years of magic, some fancy spell, a single incantation.  It was simple --- he sat at the back row, right behind her.  All it took was a watchful eye and a little acting to convince other people that you were busy with a novel instead of staring at her long dark hair.

  
  
How many years had he been staring at that lovely head of hers?  He had been sitting behind her since fifth grade.  So it's been what, four years?  Yes.  He had been staring at her hair for four years.  He didn't even intend for things to happen that way; it just seemed that whenever he drew lots for a seat there was some rule of Fate that he pick the one behind her.  Not that he minded.  He really didn't.

  
  
Sitting behind her like this, he saw and knew everything.

  
  
He knew that she loved Sakura.  It didn't take much to figure that out.  And unlike the others who just dismissed it all as friendly affection, he knew her feelings ran deep.  It was the morning Li Syaoran came back from Hong Kong --- the way her smile faltered for the briefest of seconds, the slight squeak in her voice, Welcome back, Li-kun, how have you been?  She was smiling, turning from Sakura's glowing face to Syaoran's flushed one, her dark eyes filling with some emotion that was hard to decipher.  Despair?  Loss?  She then politely excused herself and went back to her book.  From that moment on she had been completely changed.

  
  
His eyes absently trailed down the long dark hair tumbling over her drooped shoulders, feeling the urge to string his fingers through it, even if under the pretense of straightening out the tangles.  Instead his fingers clenched on the now forgotten novel in his grasp.  

  
  
There were a thousand spells carved into his memory.  He idly ran through them one by one.  He couldn't remember; was there one for happiness?  If there _was_ one, impatiently pointed out the small sane voice in his head, you would've used it a long time ago.  On yourself.

  
  
I _am_ happy, she had defiantly said, raising her head higher so she was looking down on him, staring him down with those fiery violet eyes.  They both knew it was a lie, but he wisely chose to keep his silence.  Tomoyo had this strange theory of happiness --- that even if your heart burned with longing for this one person, just as long as this person was happy (even if in the arms of another) that meant you were happy as well.  So there she was, doubling over with pain, and still she gave herself a pat on the back, congratulating herself for finding bliss.

  
  
Or maybe he was exaggerating things a little too much.  But he really didn't comprehend this happiness of hers.  If the Tomoyo he was seeing right now was really happy, then he'd rather that she be sad.  

  
  
Suddenly her shoulders straightened up and he looked back down at his novel before she caught him staring at her.

"Hiiragizawa-kun," she softly said.  She was turned around in her seat so she was facing him.  

  
  
He looked up with the customary smile.

  
  
She went on.  "I have a favor to ask of you."     

  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
  
The art teacher believed her excuse for not having been able to turn in the sketch; taking in her distressed face, her trembling hands.  Okay, one more day, the teacher conceded, believing the fib --- that she had a headache and wasn't able to draw anything in her state.  It was lucky that she was really feeling out of sorts, otherwise she wouldn't have been able to pull it off.   

  
  
He asked where she wanted to do the sketch.  The schoolyard, he asked, and she suddenly had a vision of Sakura and Syaoran seated before each other sketching and laughing, and her chest tightened at that.  No, she said firmly, the music room.  Never mind that it was her private sanctuary.  Just as long as it kept her away from it all.

  
  
He sat on the piano bench, pushing back the glasses on the bridge of his nose, then pensively folding his hands together.

  
  
She pulled up a chair and sat down in front of him, pencil ready.

  
  
"May I begin?" she asked politely, well-versed in the language of strangers.

  
  
He nodded, equally distant.  "Please do."  

  
  
A circle.  The beginnings of a face.  Divide into two.  Two circles for eyes, two larger circles for glasses.  A nose.  A smile.  Finished.  

  
  
Eriol was simple to draw.

  
  
So why couldn't she come up with anything that looked like him?

  
  
"Oh no," she groaned in spite of herself.

  
  
"What's the matter?"

  
  
"I'm afraid I'm not good at this."   

  
  
"Take your time," he good-naturedly responded.

  
  
She tried again, then shook her head.

  
  
"That's it," she said as she folded her sketchbook, "I'll tell sensei that I can't turn in anything."

  
  
"You can." He lifted up the oak cover of the piano and fingered an ivory key, pressing it slowly.     

  
  
A single key, soulful in its solitude. 

  
  
"By the way, the sketch you made yesterday was simply amazing," she commented, opening her sketchbook, deciding to heed his advice and try one more time.  "You're really good at drawing."

  
  
"It was nothing," he modestly responded, pressing another key.  "I just have more eyes than anybody else so I see more detail."

  
  
Whether he was referring to his glasses or the other half that existed in him, she didn't know.  It probably didn't matter.    
  
She got up from her chair, walked around, and gingerly sat on the bench beside him.  

  
  
He glanced at her questioningly.

  
  
"I have only one pair of eyes so I need to watch you better," she replied.

  
  
He turned back to the piano.   

  
  
"Please don't mind me," she reminded him, starting the sketch all over again.

  
  
Then he began to play.  It was the same soft lingering ballad she heard the other day, the morning when she walked in on him while he was playing in the shadows.    

  
  
"That's a beautiful piece."  

  
  
"It's called 'Hikari Sasu Niwa'," he replied.  

  
  
'Hikari Sasu Niwa'.  The Sunlit Garden.  

  
  
And then they _were_ there, sitting under the trees, laughing with the sun in their eyes and in their outstretched hands, and her gaze traveled over his sun-dappled face, realizing that he was much more than circles and a smile.  Pale skin, delicate nose, lovely dark blue eyes, long dark lashes, tendrils of dark, almost black hair sweeping against his forehead, gracefully, like the way his pale fingers swept over the keys.  Strangely, breathtakingly beautiful.  How odd.  And that gentle smile, so unlike the clumsy curves she drew with her pencil.   

  
  
Confused, Tomoyo turned back to her sketchbook.  The moment her eyes left his face, everything seemed to dim…  She couldn't recall how the eyes softened, how the curve of his jaw ended, so she stared at him again and he was there again in the sunshine, telling her of a time long ago when he also sat under the shade laughing--- 

  
  
Fingers dropped from the keys, halting the music.    

  
  
Tomoyo jerked back in surprise.

  
  
His dark blue eyes were downcast.  "Daidouji-san---"

  
  
She realized what she was doing and promptly turned a bright shade of red.  "I-I'm sorry, it was rude of me to stare---"

  
  
"No, it's fine."

  
  
"I'm very sorry for making you feel uncomfortable."

  
  
"Really, it's fine."

  
  
They were back in the music room.     

  
  
She stood up and went back to the chair, watching from a safe distance.  "I'll stay here this time.  Please don't mind me."

  
  
He didn't move.

  
  
The pencil was mindlessly drawing frantic circles all over the paper.     

  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
  
The art teacher looked up from the sketch.  "This will do.  You may leave, Daidouji."                

  
  
For a moment Tomoyo held back, wanting to reach out and grab it --- that embarrassing parody of Hiiragizawa Eriol with the glasses and the wide grinning mouth, no, that knowing smirk.  How it was all wrong, how it wasn't him at all.  

  
  
But instead she meekly bowed and walked away.

  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
  
Then one day Sakura accosted her as soon as the teacher left the room, leaving her no choice but to stay in her seat instead of bolting out of it and running to the safety of the music room.  "Tomoyo-chan, are you free this afternoon?  You have no choral practice on Tuesdays, right?"

  
  
Tomoyo's eyes widened, hopefully.  "Yes."

  
  
"Well, Syaoran-kun and I want to try out the sundaes at the new ice cream parlor downtown today and we were wondering if you wanted to join us."

  
  
Her heart sank.  "Oh."

  
  
"Come on, it'll be fun!" Sakura persisted, green eyes warm.  "Plus, it's been a while since we went out together."

  
  
Around a month or two, to be exact, since he came back.

  
  
"You too, Eriol-kun." Sakura turned to the boy seated behind her, deep in the pages of an English novel.  "Will you come?"

  
  
"Are you sure you wouldn't mind having me come along?" came the usual polite query.  Tomoyo recognized the cautiousness in his voice, knowing that the amber-eyed boy beside Sakura was probably glaring at him for all he was worth.  After all, Syaoran still mistrusted Eriol, although not as passionately as he used to.  

  
  
She heard a drawn sigh.  "No."  

  
  
That was Syaoran himself.  Sakura must've nudged him in the ribs, giving him a look that read, He's our friend, MY friend, give him a chance, please?  Tomoyo smiled inwardly at that.  She knew as well as Syaoran did how impossible Sakura was to resist.      

  
  
Sakura gripped her shoulder excitedly.  "Hurry up, Tomoyo-chan!"  She looked up to see the others already standing up, waiting for her.  She hurriedly got up and started fixing her things, mumbling an apology under her breath.

  
  
"I hear they have so many new flavors.  They even have peach ice cream!" Sakura went on, helping with a book every now and then. 

  
  
"Peach?" Syaoran echoed incredulously.

  
  
"Peach." Sakura nodded.  "Ne, you love peach ice cream right, Tomoyo-chan?"

  
  
How long has it been since she had a perfectly mindless conversation like this?  It felt like years.  She had been away from her best friend for too long.  She felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth, fought to stop it, lost, and smiled at her. 

  
  
"Yes, I do.  Very much." 

  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
The ice cream parlor was busy with students from every school imaginable, flooding the shiny counters and booths in their uniforms and with their bags and books.  They sat at a booth next to the window, settling themselves under the soothing cold of the air conditioner, chatting gaily.  Rather, Sakura was chatting gaily, Syaoran and Eriol were talking every once in a while, and Tomoyo was watching them with a contented smile.  This afternoon could turn out well, if she kept her fingers crossed.

  
  
"We might have to go to the counter ourselves," Eriol mused.

  
  
"Okay." Sakura nodded, getting up from her seat.  "I'll take our orders then."  When Syaoran immediately tried to get up too, Eriol stood up.  "Please stay here with Daidouji-san, Li-kun.  I'll go with Sakura-san."

  
  
Syaoran hesitated for a moment, then sat back down again.  "Thanks."

  
  
While the two disappeared into the crowd, Syaoran turned to Tomoyo with a rather nervous smile.

  
  
"So how have you been doing?"

  
  
If she was taken aback by the question, she didn't show it.  "I'm doing fine."

  
  
"I, well...that is, I haven't talked to you in a while," he stammered.  "It's...well, kind of funny, considering we're in the same class, I mean."

  
  
She knew what he was getting at.  She smiled again, this time hoping it was more sincere.  "I'm fine.  Really."

  
  
"Sakura's worried about you." He smiled back, visibly relieved by her reaction.  "She said you're always at the choral club practicing.  She thinks you're working too hard.  She was really glad to hear about this parlor and the peach ice cream.  Although why anybody would want to eat peach ice cream is beyond me."  His amber eyes widened, suddenly remembering.  "No offense, I didn't mean it _that_ way---"        

  
  
"How are you?" Tomoyo asked suddenly, curious.

  
  
He blinked, startled.  "Me?  Everything's swell."

  
  
"Are you happy?"    

  
  
He fiddled with his napkin for a moment before answering.  When he spoke up, his voice was unusually quiet and shy. "Yes, I am."

  
  
Tomoyo felt another smile coming.  "Then I'm glad."

  
  
"Thank you."  He said that slowly, meaningfully.    

  
  
At that moment the sundaes came, and the peach ice cream was heavenly. 

  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Like all pleasant dreams, it was soon over, and outside the ice cream parlor Sakura reached out to squeeze Tomoyo's hand.  "Tomoyo-chan, you loved the ice cream?  You did?  Let's do this again sometime, okay?"

  
  
And Tomoyo stared into those wide green depths, feeling the laughter bubbling up inside her.  It was warm, ticklish.  "Why not?"

  
  
"Don't practice too hard, okay."

  
  
"Hai, okaasama."

  
  
And Sakura squeezed her hand again and laughed, and Tomoyo had her back, even if it was just for a moment.

  
  
Then it was over.

  
  
She and Eriol stood watching until Syaoran and Sakura disappeared into the distance.  She turned to him.  "And thank you too, Hiiragizawa-kun.  I have to go now, so..."

  
  
"May I walk you home?" he quickly asked, the words flying out of his mouth before he could stop them.  For a moment he looked boyishly awkward standing there, awaiting her response.  

  
  
She was amused.  "Yes, thank you."

  
  
The walk home was silent, save for the busy sounds of the city around them and the soft tapping of their shoes on the pavement.

  
  
"How are Spinel Sun and Nakuru-san doing?" she asked.  Maybe it was just the peach ice cream, but she suddenly felt buoyant, careless, possessed by this overwhelming ridiculous urge to ask about everybody she knew.

  
  
"They're doing very well.  In fact, right now--" Eriol closed his eyes for a moment and intoned in his strange deep voice, "Spinel is deep in a tub full of bubbles--"

  
  
"He's taking a bath?" she asked.

  
  
His eyes flew open, then he smiled.  "No, he's washing dishes."   

  
  
An image of the small blue-gray winged creature all covered with soap, scrubbing dishes in the sink.  

  
  
The laughter bubbled again inside her at the funny thought.

  
  
"---And Ruby Moon is at school."

  
  
She stared at him, transfixed.  "Can you see him?"

  
  
"Yes," he answered, then frowned.  "No.  Oh, there he is.  He's reading a book.  It's...the title is, '10 Ways to Snag a Guy Who, After Being Subjected to The Living Hell You Made For Him, Made Up His Mind to Ignore You for the Rest of His Life'." 

  
  
The warm rush then merrily churned up her throat and it was impossible to hold it back.  

  
  
Tomoyo turned away from him and burst into gales of laughter.

  
  
"But it's true." He pretended to scratch his head in confusion, but looking up she saw his eyes were warm.

  
  
Wiping sudden tears of laughter from her eyes, she read his pleased smile and knew that he was telling her patiently, indulgently, as if he were kneeling under the tree in the sunlit garden and leaning close to her ear and whispering, _This_ is happiness.  Laughing without a care in the world.  A frosted glass of peach ice cream in the afternoon sun.  Doesn't it feel good?

  
  
And she laughed again, embracing the newfound warmth to her chest, sighing yes, yes, yes.

  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
  
At the gate, they were back to their old selves.  

  
  
Thank you for walking me home.  Don't mention it; it was my pleasure.  Please take care.  I will.  See you at school tomorrow.  

  
  
Goodbye.


	3. act 03

****************************************************** **

**Akogare (Longing)**  
A CCS fanfic by Sakura   
Standard disclaimers apply.   
Slightly modified version as of June 2002.

********************************************************

  
  
  
6:45 a.m. on the dot, and she was racing up the stairs again.

If the old janitor saw her running like that, he'd drop everything --- pail, brush, mop, whatever --- grab her arm and yell at her for running up freshly mopped stairs.  It wasn't that he hated getting footprints all over his handiwork (well, that was one reason), but it was more of worry that she would end up breaking her slender little neck than anything else.  There was something in Daidouji Tomoyo that made people think she was as fragile as glass --- her slight frame, those large violet eyes framed with long lashes, her pale creamy skin, long curls of dark hair.  Now those locks flailed wildly in the air as she bounded up the stairs, uncharacteristically taking them two at a time, hugging her bag to her chest, pulling up her sweater over her shoulders, pausing a moment to pick up her fallen handkerchief and hastily stuff it into her pocket.  She ran down a corridor and screeched to a stop in front of a door.

On cue, the waltz began.

She pushed the door open.  This time the music didn't stop.  Eriol even gaily stepped up the tempo a bit, inviting her, teasing her.  She closed the door behind her and unceremoniously sank on the piano bench beside him.    

He finally looked up and smiled.  "Good morning, Daidouji-san."

"Go...good morning, Hiiragizawa-kun," she gasped, still trying to catch her breath.

His dark blue eyes drifted over her with amusement.  "Looks like you had a long run."

Suddenly embarrassed, she ran a hand through her slightly disheveled hair.  "I woke up later than usual."

His eyes gleamed.  "That means I win two mornings straight in a row."  

She made a face.  "Don't act so cocky; the week isn't even over yet."  

Eriol just smiled and turned back to the piano.  It was amazing how much Tomoyo had changed _again_, considering that she was now back to the Tomoyo she was before she fell into that stage of depression, months ago when she spent most of her time staring off into space and counting seconds.  Or at least that's what she looked like back then.  Now she smiled, she laughed, and Eriol thought that it was wonderful to see her so alive.  

Surprisingly, they had been friends ever since that afternoon at the ice cream parlor.  Although they had known each other for years, it was the first time that they actually got to know each other well.  When school was out for summer they spent the most of it sitting at the park or at the ice cream parlor, talking for hours.  They found out that there were things they liked in common --- like autumn leaves, tea, old hardbound novels, Saint-Seans, sad movies...  As cold rains fell and the leaves started to change color, they fell back into the old routine at school.  Every morning as Eriol's pale fingers glided over the piano, Tomoyo told him all about being a child in lace and ribbons, running through carpeted halls, having imaginary tea with stuffed animals.  Then Eriol told her about England, silence at the dinner table, poplars in the yard, the tears he shed for a pet cat who died.  

"Tears," she had echoed, "how strange."

"I _am _human, after all," he had faintly smiled, realizing the irony of his words.  For never did he think he was truly human, at least not until he said so at that moment.  All this time he had been regarding the world around him with his other self's eye, the Clow Reed in him, the one who knew everything there was to know.  That knowledge took away the yearning to find out certain things for himself, like how it truly felt to break down and lose oneself in a certain emotion.  Like mirth, for example.  That's why it surprised him so much at that time when Tomoyo had looked up at him with tears of laughter in her eyes --- how carelessly, effortlessly those peals of laughter came from her lips!  He was drawn to the sight.  It moved him to know how alive she was.    

And now she was even more alive than ever, what with those shining violet eyes.  "By the way, this is to thank you for yesterday."         

He looked down.  It was a small box of cookies tied with string.  

Tomoyo smiled.  "I made them myself."

The other day her mother Sonomi had a peculiar request: bring a friend home for tea.  Tomoyo didn't know if that request was made out of guilt that they hadn't been spending much time together lately, but nevertheless she dutifully agreed to do so and asked Sakura if she was free that afternoon.  Sakura had regretfully declined because she had cheerleading practice that time, and a promise to her brother to pick up some groceries afterwards.  Then Tomoyo, running out of options, asked Eriol to come with her and he accepted, so that afternoon Sonomi was rather shocked to see Eriol smiling at the table instead of Sakura, whom she had been expecting.  But in the end it had been a wonderful tea party, with Sonomi warming up to Eriol with his friendly courteousness and Tomoyo smiling secretly from behind her tea cup, happy with her success.  What a nice young man, remarked Sonomi afterwards.  So smart and polite!                 

Eriol took the box and thanked her profusely.  

Sonomi's words rang in her head and she laughed again, although she really didn't know why.

***

_Once upon a time there was a boy who thought he was perfectly ordinary until the day he woke up and realized that he had two souls.  The soul who wasn't his, the one who didn't belong, the one who was wiser and infinitely powerful, unlocked to him the secrets of everything in the universe, like stars and rain and death and solitude.  Do you know why the leaves die in the fall? asked his teacher.  I do, he answered.  Do you know why there are some who don't hear songs in the wind? asked his friend.  I do, he answered.  And I know why we seek the sun, why we laugh, why we cry.  I know.  _

_He lived on believing what he knew to be true, so it surprised him to find a girl who was different --- she laughed when she was sad and cried when she was happy.  You are mistaken, he told her, but she shook her head and told him about tears that bore the taste of bliss and smiles that smelled of sorrow.  Didn't you know? she asked him, and he stared at her, for the first time hearing himself say no, teach me.  _

_Teach me._

***   

"Not again," Syaoran groaned good-naturedly as Sakura playfully but firmly steered him towards a small cafe.  "I thought you said you weren't hungry!"

"I got hungry when I saw the sign," she sheepishly said.  "Besides, it looks so much warmer inside."  She then turned to Eriol and Tomoyo standing behind them.  "Eriol-kun, Tomoyo-chan, let's go in, okay?"    

"That sounds nice," Eriol smiled.  He turned to Tomoyo, who was deep in the pages of an English novel she had borrowed from him.  After a conversation they had about libraries, she had been curious about the books in his collection, so he brought two, three volumes for her to look through.  She ended up borrowing the thickest one, oddly choosing to read it while they walked home, much to Sakura's amusement.  Mou, Tomoyo-chan ttara! she teased.  We know you're a bookworm but you shouldn't read while walking, you know!

She raised her head at that, violet eyes soft.  It's okay, I know where I'm going.  

Then he saw her glance over at Syaoran briefly before turning back to the book, and he understood.  On the surface she was already used to seeing her best friend and the Chinese boy together, but inside she was still struggling with herself.  Give me time, her bent head over the book seemed to say.  I understand, I really do, but give me some time to adjust.  

Hoping to distract her from the two, he leaned over and whispered conspiratorially, don't worry, I'll be on the lookout for manholes.  

She met his gaze amusedly.  Is that what English gentlemen really say to the ladies they escort?

No, he impishly smiled back, but we _do_ offer our strong manly arms for holding onto.  You know, in case you forget to look up and trip over a tree root or an uneven cobblestone---

She made a face at that, and they both laughed.  But he was right; along the way the pretense of reading wore off and she was soon deeply engrossed in the book, so much that he had to grab her arm at times to prevent her from running into things.  Or people.  Or both.  She didn't even appear to realize that they had already stopped in front of the cafe.

"Daidouji-san," he gently tapped her shoulder, "shall we go in?"

Tomoyo snapped her head up and blinked. 

"Hey you two, come on!" Sakura waved, disappearing inside.

Tomoyo blinked again and looked at Eriol, as if asking for an explanation.

"While you were lost in Windsor," he began, "the rest of us were talking about the midterms and high school entrance exams and suddenly out of nowhere Sakura-san declared that we have tea.  Or coffee.  Or whichever suits you."

"Coffee?" Tomoyo echoed, still slightly out of it.

There was a sudden impish gleam in his eyes.  "Yes, coffee.  By the way, did you know that in medieval Europe they used coffee for curing horses?  Apparently some varieties of coffee beans have---"

Before he could pull a Yamazaki on her, Tomoyo deftly took his arm and quickly led him inside the cafe.

***

Tomoyo's fingers, now free from their black gloves, gently enclosed themselves around a warm cup of coffee.  She smiled as Sakura told them about Kero-chan and how the latter had finished one whole apple pie the previous night, leaving only crumbs in the pan.  "And oniichan thought _I _finished it all!  'I always knew you were a kaijuu, Sakura', he said, 'but this is amazing'.  Can you believe that?!  I was so furious."  Then as if to drive home her point, she speared a piece of Syaoran's chocolate cake and popped it in her mouth as her audience, captivated by her performance, laughed appreciatively.  

She was even more beautiful than ever leaning forward in her chair like that, her face bathed in the warm glow of the lamp hanging above their heads.  When she spoke, her green eyes sparkled and tendrils of light brown hair brushed against her flushed cheeks.  Tomoyo felt the familiar warmth rush inside her at the vision.  She turned back to her coffee cup lest she lose herself in those green depths and mindlessly fall all over again.     

Beside her, Eriol leaned back in his seat and smiled.  "Cerberus hasn't changed a bit, I see."

"It's a wonder he still fits in that cabinet, that bottomless pit," muttered Syaoran, taking a shot at the small yellow lion-like creature while he still had the chance.  He was contemplating his coffee, Tomoyo noted, in a rather murderous fashion.  Snatches of a story flitted through her mind, something about Kero-chan sneaking in Sakura's bag on one of their dates and popping up in the popcorn in the movie house afterwards, but then Sakura spoke and she craned her neck to listen.  

"Ne, Eriol-kun, do you remember if Kero-chan ate as much back then?" 

"Yes, he was always like that," Eriol's dark blue eyes were thoughtful as he recalled, "storming the pantry in the middle of the night and taking off with a whole basket of pastries.  The next morning he'd apologize and say that he was sleepwalking and didn't know what he was doing."  

Sakura laughed, and Syaoran shook his head again in disbelief.

But Tomoyo was watching him, the pale dark-haired boy who sat beside her and stared off at some point above their heads, the lamp casting a pale glow on his glasses, his dark blue eyes clouding over with some emotion as he delved further, deeper into the memories of his past life.  "And there was even a time," he continued softly, "when Yue actually set foot in the kitchen and baked a cake.  It was the last thing I thought he'd do, and I was definitely shocked."

Then Tomoyo saw it all --- Yue's long fingers enclosed around a wooden spoon, the small smudge of batter on his cheek, the warmth of the oven, a wide-eyed Clow standing outside the door, transfixed by the sight.  I didn't tell him I was there, Eriol continued, and his eyes were distant and she found herself standing outside the door beside him, watching Yue prepare the icing as he waited for the perfectly round sponge cake to pop out of the oven then Cerberus suddenly came and she tried to grab him by his golden tail and hold him back, don't go in there! but he romped into the kitchen and laughed boisterously at the sight of Yue, tall and beautiful, holding a spoon---

"Then what happened?" 

Eriol smiled.  "They fought, Yue was distracted, so the cake was burnt.  I made Cerberus eat the whole thing for dinner that night."

They laughed.

Something flickered in Eriol's dark blue eyes for a moment.  Tomoyo saw it and knew what it was --- Yue, silver head bent, humbly offering a sliver of frosted burnt cake on a small plate.  The soft, broken whisper.  _This may not be much, but this is my present.  Happy birthday, Clow._  He looked up then, silver strands falling over pale eyes the color of the moon, and he was waiting---

Tomoyo felt her chest tighten for Yue and his unspoken love, turned away and took a sip of her now lukewarm coffee.

"But however foolish Cerberus may be at times," the voice was now familiarly Eriol's, "he still takes very good care of you and I'm proud of him for doing so."

Sakura murmured her assent, and somebody changed the topic.

***

"I'm sorry if I talked too much back there," Eriol apologized.

He was referring to the café, where Tomoyo had wordlessly sat throughout the whole conversation until somebody looked at the clock and said it was time to go.  

She shook her head, smiling, and clasped her gloved hands behind her back as they walked home.  She really didn't mind.  The book that had entranced her so much a while ago was now tucked in her bag, forgotten.

"I wonder if I will continue to remember," he mused, "or if these memories will ever slip away." 

"Do you want to forget?" she asked, remembering the large, seemingly empty house he had shared with two winged creatures, the magical cards that came to life with the slightest touch...

He shook his head.  "The past was wonderful.  We were all content, we all shared so much---" 

The leaves rustled in the wind, falling under the path of their shoes, crackling under their steps.

"---But that was then, after all.  If I keep holding on to the past, I might not have any more room for the other things I want to keep in my mind for the rest of my life."

"Other things?"  She couldn't help herself.  "Such as?"   

"Such as---" His dark blue eyes hovered on her face for a moment, then strayed to her hair.  He moved closer and absently reached out to pluck a few leaves that had entangled themselves in her dark tresses.  "Such as...well, I don't really know yet."

While his fingers brushed against her hair, she shut her eyes tightly against his warmth and didn't dare move.      


	4. act 04

***************************************************************************************

**Akogare (Longing)******

A CCS fanfic by Sakura 

Standard disclaimers apply.

'Yokan' and 'Koko ni Kite' romanization and (terrible) translation for both songs mine.  

Feedback will be very much appreciated.

*******************************************************************************************

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__

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_samishisa nara  narete iru yo___

_umareta toki kara___

_demo me no mae ni___

_sashidasareta ude ni___

_omowazu kokoro yurete___

I've been used to sadness 

ever since I was born.

But seeing this arm holding out before me,

my heart flutters, unbidden.

- 'Yokan' (Premonition)

There was silence everywhere; the unnerving, deafening kind.  It was there as soon as his eyes flew open and saw the whiteness drifting outside his bedroom window, then at the breakfast table when he reached for the papers over his morning tea, even when he stepped outside in the cold and walked to school with his glasses misting over.  Now in the dim empty foyer of the school, he stood in front of his shoe locker and pulled off the gloves from his hands, wincing at the sudden chill.

He lifted the door of his locker, slightly taken aback by the sharp grating sound made by the rusty metal as it raised on its hinges.  A glance at his watch told him that it was already 7:05.  He reached for his school shoes.  He was later than usual, which meant that Tomoyo had won the race that morning.  He inwardly smiled at the thought, then raised an eyebrow as his fingers brushed against something unfamiliar.  A small white envelope.  He drew it out and squinted at it in the dim light, barely making out something written:  To Hiiragizawa Eriol-sama. 

Turning it around, he read aloud, eyes widening, "...From a secret admirer."

***

There was silence everywhere; the unnerving, deafening kind --- even in the music room where she sat on a chair by the window and gazed outside at the snow, and he, slumped forward on the piano, leaned his face against his arm and watched her.  

"Winter is always like this, don't you think?" she mused aloud, reaching out a finger to press against the frosted pane and draw a circle.  "So quiet.  It's as if everything suddenly stops, suspended in the cold."  

"The whole world, frozen to death," he remarked absently, his eyes trailing from her idle finger on the pane to the long, dark tresses swirling and dancing on her sweater, up to the graceful chin, the red lips, the delicate nose, the half-lidded violet eyes, the long lashes.  Winter made her even more beautifully pale, and the warmth from the old rickety heater in the corner brought out a soft flush  in her cheeks.  

I will be waiting at the rooftop after class today, the letter had read.  Please come.  

Did Tomoyo write that letter?  The handwriting on the letter was neat and precise, and judging from the occasional glimpses he got of her notebooks, it looked pretty much like hers.  And she came before him that morning so she surely had enough time to slip it in his locker.  Unable to help himself, he imagined himself eagerly running up the stairs after class, pausing at the final landing to look up and see those lovely violet eyes smiling down at him, and the heat suddenly rose to his face at the thought.  The small sane voice in his head was livid.  What are you blushing for, you dolt?  

He quickly buried his face in his arms and felt like knocking his head against the piano.  Twice.

"Hiiragizawa-kun?" he heard her call.

"I'm taking a short nap," he mumbled.

She laughed.  "But you just got up!"

"I'm still sleepy."

"Good night then," she whispered.  Then, softly, she started to sing a lullaby.  His eyes flew open.  Nobody had ever sung to him before, not even his mother, who used to tuck him into bed with nothing but an embrace that was too brief, too cold.  But now Tomoyo was singing to him, and it was beautiful---

_hitomi o tojite, kokoro no naka o mitsumeteru                     ___

_dare o matsu no?___

_chiheisen no mukou kara___

_kikoete kuru koe o kiite iru___

_koko ni kite___

You close your eyes and peer into the depths of your heart.      

Who are you waiting for?

Listening to a voice drifting in from beyond the horizon:    

      _come here_.                                

and soon his eyes were closed and her soft, lilting voice had him foolishly dreaming of drifting on a midnight sea and sailing after the stars, entranced by the vision of her perched on the moon smiling down at him, holding out a pale hand and calling him Eriol, not Hiiragizawa-kun, but Eriol---  

Then the first bell rang.

***

Sketched on the blackboard was a big umbrella, under which two names were spelled out in big characters: 

Hiiragizawa Eriol - Daidouji Tomoyo

The people in the classroom murmured and giggled at the sight.  That's right, haven't they been spending a lot of time together lately?  Takashi-kun even saw them together in the music room early this morning.  I bet they come to school early so they can have some time alone before the other students arrive.  That's so romantic!     

"What do you think?" Sakura worriedly asked.  "Should I erase it before they see it, or--"

"It's too late for that now," Syaoran quietly said, and sure enough Eriol and Tomoyo were already standing there, stunned before the whole spectacle.  The room fell silent as all eyes turned to them, awaiting their next move.  Some people started murmuring excitedly among themselves.  

Tomoyo then blinked and smiled weakly.  "Good morning."

"G'morning, Tomoyo-chan," Sakura quickly responded.  "Good morning, Eriol-kun."

Eriol didn't say a word.

He was still standing, eyes fixed on the blackboard.  Without a glance at anyone, he calmly set down his satchel and walked to the front of the room, took the eraser and firmly removed the joke with swift strokes.  

***

__

_To Hiiragizawa Eriol-sama.  You may not know who I am but I certainly know you, for I have been watching you for some time now.  The truth is, I think you're one of the nicest guys in the whole school.  You're always smiling and being kind to everybody, you're really smart, and you play the piano so well...  I've always wanted to come up and talk to you and maybe tell you how I really feel about you, but I haven't summoned enough courage to do so until now.___

__

_If it's all right with you, please come up to the rooftop after class today.  I will be waiting there.      ___

__

_From a secret admirer. ___

__

***

Unnerving, deafening silence.  

Eriol lifted his eyes from the letter and looked around him.  He was all alone in the classroom.  The others had apparently gone out to eat their lunch someplace warmer.  He didn't mind the cold as much as the others did; there were much more important things to worry about.  

He glanced back down at the letter and sighed.  He was starting to doubt the possibility that it came from Tomoyo herself.  She didn't hint at anything special after class, and she wasn't exactly acting like she had the pre-confession jitters.  Besides, he knew she didn't like him that way.  He shook his head, folded the letter, and slipped it under his desk.  

The umbrella didn't appear again on the blackboard after he had erased it, but somehow all he had to do was look at Tomoyo and there it would be, taunting him, laughing in his face.  For her part, it seemed like she was thinking about it as well, for when he tapped on her shoulder once to return a pen she lent him, she positively jumped in her seat like a hysterical jack-in-the-box.  Later on she didn't even look him in the eye when she asked him if he would like to go with them to the cafeteria for lunch.  It was hard enough carrying on a conversation with all that jeering and whistling in the background.  

Oh well, the whole mess was inevitable.  They should've been more careful about their talking in the music room and their walking home together.  After all, not everyone would understand that they were just being...well, friends.  Close friends.  That's all they were, weren't they?  Just friends, he repeated in his mind, as if trying to convince himself.   

That's right, Tomoyo loved Sakura; although whether she still did or not, he didn't really know.  They never talked about it, and he didn't really feel like asking her.  He didn't think he had the right to do so.  But he secretly watched her every time they walked home with Sakura and Syaoran and she appeared to be back to her old self, often smiling at them, sometimes teasing them and laughing delightedly at the sight of their red faces...

Or maybe that was just how he wanted things to be.  Maybe inside of her there was a Tomoyo he didn't know existed, a Tomoyo whose violet eyes still clouded over with pain---

You fool, scoffed the small sane voice in his head, the one that probably belonged to his other soul.  Look at yourself --- moping over a girl like a lovesick puppy.  This is beyond you, or have you forgotten?  Loving just complicates matters.  It is something you can definitely do without.    

And he was right.  Clow had never loved.  His creations --- Cerberus, Yue, the Cards --- they were all crafted out of necessity, even boredom perhaps, and though he regarded them all with affection and took good care of them, he never loved them.  Not deeply, not in the real sense of the word.  He was a man who believed that nothing was worthy enough to deserve his heart.  That was why he was never moved by the sight of seeing someone else cry, or never was he possessed by the urge to reach out and hold someone in his arms.  He just sat back and smiled at the world, content, heart conveniently hidden from view.

And for a while he was exactly like Clow.  

But then she came and he fell apart in shambles.

What else do you want to remember for the rest of your life? she had asked, curiously, and for a moment he was afraid he was about to come right out and say _you_, because he realized for the first time that it was true.  And even if he were to be reborn again, he still wanted a reminder of her smiling face or maybe a fragment of her lullaby, and he will tuck it away, tenderly, into a secret place where no one, not even Clow, would be able to find it.

The other soul in him sighed, defeated.  So you love her, then?  

Yes, he replied, softly.

You know that she might not feel the same way.

Even so.

You won't regret this?

Never.

***

Sakura regarded Tomoyo with thoughtful green eyes in the mirror of the empty washroom.

"Tomoyo-chan, are you still mad about that thing on the blackboard this morning?"

"No," Tomoyo shook her head, running a brush down her long dark hair.  "Actually, I wasn't mad at all."

"But you looked kind of shocked when you came in and saw it."

"It _was_ pretty shocking at first, but it was really just a prank."

Sakura bent over the sink and splashed water on her face.  "You and Eriol-kun are just friends, right?"

"That's right," she answered without thinking.  

"But you two have been awful close lately so it's no wonder that they---" Sakura straightened up and wiped her face with her towel, "---well, you know.  Although I can see that you really care about each other a lot."

Silence.

"Tomoyo-chan," Sakura hesitated, "it's probably none of my business but---"   

She then turned to her best friend.  "---what do you think of Eriol-kun?"

Tomoyo looked stunned for a moment, then burst out laughing.  "What in the world are you saying?"

"Tell me," Sakura persisted firmly.  "I want to know."      

Tomoyo stared back, deciding to give in.  "I think Hiiragizawa-kun's a very nice and gentle person."

"And?"

"And I think he has a great sense of humor."

"And?"

"Sakura-chan," Tomoyo laughed again, "just what is this all about?"    

"I just thought that maybe..." Sakura's green eyes sparkled, "...well, maybe you and Eriol-kun can get together or something."

So that was it.  Tomoyo's voice was oddly flat as she paused to pocket her brush.  "I see."

"I've been watching you walk home together and I thought you looked perfect for each other," Sakura pointed out.  

Tomoyo's face was blank.  "Shouldn't we be heading back to the classroom now?"

Her best friend turned to her and caught her hands in her own.  "Tomoyo-chan," her voice was soft, "I just want you to be happy."

Tomoyo stared.  "But I _am _happy, remember?  I told you before --- your happiness is my happiness as well."

Sakura's grip tightened.  "Really?  When Syaoran-kun came back to stay with me, did that honestly make you happy?"

Tomoyo was momentarily taken aback by her friend's sudden outburst.  Staring into those green eyes, she realized with a pang that Sakura had read her heart and knew everything.  Right from the start.  The hurt that she thought she had finally sealed off months ago now started to seep back, slowly, painfully. 

"Sakura-chan---" she whispered, but she gently cut her off.

"We've been best friends for years.  We've been through a lot together and we probably know each other more than anyone else.  Or at least for some time I thought I did," Sakura paused, "until I realized that I was being dense about a lot of things.  Not just about Syaoran-kun and Yukito-san back then, but also about you."

Tomoyo looked away.

"I really should be apologizing now.  Even though I know it wouldn't really help matters any, I just want you to know that--" Sakura's eyes started to fill with tears,  "--I'm so sorry.  You cared for me so much and I was so insensitive, I didn't give back as much as you deserved, and...I was such a jerk.  I'm sorry, I really am..."

Tomoyo didn't move.  After some time, she shook her head.  "There's nothing to be sorry about, Sakura-chan."

"But there is," she sniffled, "a lot.  So much!  Back then, did you know how hard it was for me to see you looking so sad like that?  You weren't laughing anymore; you were just sitting there, staring at your hands.   I was so worried, but there was nothing I could do." 

Those days spent alone in the music room, crying in secret --- Sakura knew them all.  Tomoyo dazedly stared down at the floor while her best friend wiped the tears off with the back of her hand.    

"But there was Eriol-kun.  The first time I saw you together was when we went out for ice cream and I didn't really give it much thought, not until I saw you again and I was so surprised to see that you were actually smiling.  It was him.  Eriol-kun made you smile, he made you laugh, and even kid around like you used to." Through the tears, Sakura smiled faintly.  "He brought the old you back, and I was so relieved.  Then I thought, maybe--"

"But Hiiragizawa-kun and I are just friends."  Tomoyo's voice was weak.  

Sakura persisted.  "But someday it may turn into something more, right?  You can never really tell..."   

Tomoyo's head was reeling --- this was Sakura smiling bravely through the tears, reaching out to hold her hand and telling her, gently, that yes, she knew she loved her.  And she was sorry for not realizing it sooner.  And she was sorry she wasn't able to love her back as much as she always had.  And she was sorry she hurt her feelings.  

But then she loved Syaoran-kun the most.  Should she be sorry for that as well?               

"No," Tomoyo whispered in turn, eyes stinging with tears, "because that makes you happy.  I am happy because you are happy."

Sakura's hands reached up to frame her face, carefully cradling it between her palms as if she were very, very fragile.  

"But Tomoyo-chan, happy people don't cry."

***

Silence --- the unnerving, deafening kind.

Eriol took off his glasses and slid them into his pocket, gently closing the door behind him with a click.  He was right; the secret admirer was not Tomoyo but a girl from another class whose face he had probably seen somewhere before but didn't register in his mind.  She had stood in front of him, hands nervously clasping and unclasping, voice wavering.  

Hiiragizawa-kun, I like you very much.__

And how he stared at the snow falling around them, wondering how something so beautiful could be so sad at the same time.  He stood  watching the gray sky for some time before it occurred to him that she was still standing there, waiting for his response.     

He took a deep breath.

Well, I...  

His dark blue eyes drifted back to her hopeful smile---

I'm sorry.    

---and watched it fade away.  

The memory made him wince as he walked down the stairs, back to the classroom to retrieve his books.  Congratulations, that's one heart broken.  After that humiliating ordeal he had bowed and decided to leave her alone, afraid that if he stayed a moment longer he would actually see tears.

A sob sounded out.

Was that the girl at the rooftop?

No, it sounded like it came from somewhere near him.    

Eriol looked up and saw that he was standing in front of the music room.  Gently moving the door back, he peeked inside and found Tomoyo sitting by the window, face buried in her hands.

Tears.

"Daidouji-san?" he asked softly, and she visibly stiffened.  Without thinking he crossed the room to her side, knelt down and put a hand on her trembling shoulder.  "What's wrong?  Did something happen?"

She shook her head at that, violently.

Go away.

He drew back slightly, but his hand remained on her shoulder.  "I know I shouldn't be asking you anything right now, but I just want to make sure that you'll be all right."

She took a deep breath.  "I'm fine."  Her voice was muffled from behind her fingers.  

However unconvinced, he released her.  "I'll leave you alone, then."    

She didn't move.

"Daidouji-san, I'm leaving."

She looked up then, opening her mouth to say _then hurry up _, but she stared into his eyes --- now much more beautiful without the glasses --- saw her own tear-streaked face reflected in them and realized that he was lying, for the last thing he wanted to do was get up and leave her behind.  But he had to go.  Didn't he see that he wasn't helping matters any?  But still he stayed there looking at her with those soft dark blue eyes until it was too late.  She blindly reached out for him, buried her face in his neck and cried for all she was worth.  His arms tightened around her in response and he gently pressed his face against her hair.  

Outside, the snow continued to drift down --- white, shimmering, and endless.


	5. act 05

******************************************************************************** ******

**Akogare (Longing)******

A CCS fanfic by Sakura 

Standard disclaimers apply.

'Koko ni Kite' snippet romanization/translation mine.  

Feedback welcome.  

My heartfelt thanks to everyone on the CCSFWML for putting up with me.  ^_^   

**********************************************************************************

Mother and daughter silently sat in front of each other at the breakfast table while the fire crackled merrily in the fireplace and the heavy drapes shut out the dreary snowfall.  After some time, Sonomi laid down her cup noiselessly on the saucer and regarded her daughter with sparkling brown eyes.  "Dear, let's plan out our Christmas this year."     

Tomoyo looked up from her plate, where she had been listlessly stirring around her breakfast of eggs and bacon with a fork.  

"Christmas?"  

"Yes," her mother sighed, "these past few years our Christmases have been...how do you say this, bland lately.  Don't you think so?"

"No," Tomoyo thoughtfully replied,  "in fact I liked them."

"Eating dinner and watching old Christmas movies on television?" Sonomi incredulously exclaimed, lifting a delicate hand to her coiffure and tucking a nonexistent stray lock behind her ear.  "For goodness sake, dear, we ought to do much better than that."

"So what exactly do you have in mind, then?"

"Celebrate Christmas the way we ought to!" Sonomi gesticulated wildly. "Dinner at a five-star hotel!  Dancing, partying, whatever---"

Tomoyo sighed.  "Okaasama, you know I'm not into all that."

Sonomi shook her head and lifted her cup to her lips.  There was a pause while she sipped.  "Look, I just thought we should go out for a change.  After all, you can't stay home forever."

"That's true, but--"

"All right, let's make a compromise.  What if we hold a party here, then?  Would that be better for you?"

"Well," Tomoyo put down her fork and hesitated, "I'll agree to that--"

"It's settled, then!" Sonomi clapped her hands in delight.

"...But I don't think anybody would come."

A perfectly shaped eyebrow lifted.  "What on earth are you talking about?"

"Sakura-chan has--" Tomoyo paused, remembering Syaoran, "---other people to spend Christmas with.  Same goes for my other friends.  And I don't know too many people, I'm afraid."

"What about that nice young man, the one who came for tea---"

Blush.  

"You mean H-Hiiragizawa-kun?"  Tomoyo suddenly stammered.  

Sonomi's eyes were on the ceiling.  "Oh yes, Hiiragizawa-kun.  So polite.  Didn't spill a drop of tea on my tablecloth.  Excellent Japanese, even if he spent most of his life in--- where was that?  France?" 

"England."

"Ah, yes, England."  Sonomi gazed at her daugher.  "Why don't you ask him to come, then?"

"Well...I-I don't know if he's free or not---"

"But that's why you're going to ask him, right?" Sonomi asked.

Tomoyo was losing it.  "He...he may be going home to England for the holidays for all I know...  Or maybe he...well...has um, other plans and he possibly couldn't make it; I don't think he'd--"

"Does he live alone?"

"Yes...no, I mean, no, but---"

"That means he's spending Christmas alone, isn't he?"

"I don't really know..."

There was a pause before Sonomi set down her cup on the saucer, noiselessly.  "I see.  Well that's too bad, I think it would be nice to have him come."  

Silence.  

"So that means I have to take care of the guest list, then."

Tomoyo nodded, flustered, and went back to her breakfast.  

"But you won't object to a party on, say, Christmas Eve?"

"No, I guess not."      

"Good," Sonomi said, "because I have something really special in mind."

Tomoyo looked up in time to catch a knowing smile lifting her mother's lips before they disappeared behind the rim of her cup.

***

__

_His chin was resting on the top of her head, and he kept still, holding her while her sobs quieted down.  Snuggled against him like that, enveloped in his warmth, a memory she thought she had forgotten for good suddenly drifted through her mind...  ___

_Her father, sitting in his study with his pipe, motioning for her to climb up on his lap and choose the ones she wanted from the glossy black and white prints laid out on his desk.  When she eagerly pointed out the photographs of smiling, happy people, he gently ruffled her hair and laughed.  Just as I thought.  Your name suits you so well, Tomoyo.  ___

_Tomoyo.  Friendly world.___

_And for a while she did believe that the world was like that --- forever happy, full of laugher and sunshine, spinning round and round like a never-ending carousel...  ___

_Then one day her father left home and never came back.  ___

_And she found out that there were such things as pain and sadness and tears...___

_Tears.___

_It seemed to be over now.___

_Tired? he murmured against her hair, and she shook her head, briefly pulling away and raising a hand to rub her eyes before turning back to him and slowly, tenderly, burying her face in his shoulder.___

***

The first person she saw at school that morning was Syaoran, who was seemingly preoccupied with something in his shoe locker.  She pulled off her right glove, tapped on his shoulder, and watched him jump a mile high in the air.

"Oh my," she blinked.

"Daidouji!" he gasped for breath, running a hand through his chestnut brown hair.  "Y-You scared me."

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

"N-No, it's nothing," he squeaked, hastily slamming his locker door shut.  Years hadn't changed him at all; he was still the worst actor she ever knew.  She decided to go on with her game and pretended to eye his locker suspiciously.  "Did I just see something in there?"

His face turned fiery red, then deathly pale.  "You didn't."

"I think I did," she innocently smiled.                 

He glowered and bent down to put on his school shoes.  Tomoyo smiled again and turned around to do the same.

All around them other students were milling into the hall from the cold, laughing and joking around as they pulled off their gloves and shook the snow off their coats.  It had snowed a lot that morning, which made it harder to walk to school.  Nevertheless the snowfall seemed to lift everyone's spirits, as conversations turned from exams and homework to the upcoming winter vacation.

"You're kind of late today," Syaoran commented, standing off to the side as he waited for her to put on her school shoes.  Or maybe he was waiting for Sakura to arrive.  But maybe he was waiting for her, because he was staring down at her and not outside at the gate.  After all, he knew as well as she did how late Sakura came to school sometimes.  

"I didn't wake up when the alarm rang.  Besides, it was so warm in bed," Tomoyo lied.  The truth was she couldn't make herself come to school early again.  Not after what had happened.  There was a brief sensation of Eriol's arm tightening around her and suddenly she felt her face flush.  Syaoran, however, gave no sign that he noticed.  "Yeah, is it just me or do winters in Japan turn colder each year?"

"You're still not used to the cold?"

"Not much."

They made their way through the busy corridor.  "By the way, Daidouji---"

"Hmm?"

His voice was quiet.  "Don't tell Sakura what you saw back there at the lockers, okay?"

So there _was _something back there.  Tomoyo wished she hadn't lied and decided to tell him that she was just joking, but realizing that that would embarrass him, she nodded instead.

"This is the third time, actually," he confessed, "I don't know what to do with them."

Tomoyo hmmed vaguely, wondering what he was talking about.  Before she could figure it out, though, they were already standing at the door of their classroom and there was no choice but to go in.

***

Two people were late for class that morning, rushing in right in the middle of a discussion on the Japanese Imperial Army.  One of them was Sakura, whose face was flushed with embarrassment as she bowed and apologized, and the other was Eriol, who appeared as calm and unruffled as ever as he bowed alongside her.  While there were times that Sakura came to school late, it was definitely strange for Eriol to be tardy, and the teacher (who regarded the bespectacled boy as her star pupil) was visibly shaken.  "Oh dear, it snowed a lot this morning, didn't it?  Did you have problems getting here, Hiiragizawa?"  And as an afterthought, "Kinomoto?"

"None at all, sensei," he politely answered, and he and Sakura exchanged looks of amusement.

"Well then, take your seats and try to catch up with the lesson, okay?"

They bowed again and did so.  He hurriedly unraveled his muffler as he made his way down the aisle, smiling at the people who greeted him good morning, then he looked in her direction and met her gaze.  She quickly turned back to her textbook and tried to hide the blush mounting in her cheeks.         

There was a wary greeting from somewhere to her left.  "G-Good morning, Tomoyo-chan."

Tomoyo looked up and smiled.  "Good morning, Sakura-chan."

Sakura hesitated before smiling back, obviously still worried about the previous day.  Ah, yes.  Tomoyo inwardly winced, remembering everything that had happened.  She tried to recall the pain that had caused her to cry so much, but for some reason she couldn't remember.  It was like waking up from a bad dream then instantly forgetting all about it, leaving only the dull throb of knowing that something terrible had just happened.  It was strange that she didn't feel as bad now as she did then.  Maybe it was because she had cried so much yesterday.  

At the music room.  

In Eriol's arms.  

Tomoyo felt herself flush again and gave herself a sharp rap on the head.

Sakura was looking at her oddly.  "Tomoyo-chan?" 

Tomoyo shook her head and mouthed, I'm all right.  

"Class, turn to page 136 and read paragraphs 6 to---" 

Everyone dutifully leafed through their textbooks.  

Tomoyo whispered, "Did you sleep through the alarm again?"

Sakura ducked her head in shame.  "Oniichan said he had been banging on the door for hours before I finally woke up."

"Oh my," Tomoyo giggled softly.  "And Kero-chan?"

"He slept through the whole racket."

"Now that's pretty strange, isn't it?"

"He stayed up late last night because of this video game---."

"Kinomoto, Daidouji," the teacher called out, "would you mind sharing with the class whatever it is you two are talking about?"

The guilty pair straightened up in their seats.

The teacher turned back to the blackboard and they hid behind their books, grinning at each other mischievously.

Yes, everything seemed to be back to normal.    

__

_***___

__

__

During a lull in the busy day, the students relished the break; some stretching and yawning, some slouching in their seats and gazing at the sparkling whiteness outside to preoccupy themselves.    

"Look at all that snow!" Sakura marveled, "Isn't it beautiful?"

Syaoran was unfazed.  "It's ten degrees below zero out there."

She made a face at him.  "You don't have to sound so enthusiastic, you know."

Eriol stared thoughtfully outside the window.  "But this cold _is_ kind of unusual, especially for Tomoeda."   

"Ne."  Sakura's eyes brightened.  "Let's go out and build a snowman or something."

Tomoyo nodded eagerly.  "I'm sure there's enough out there for us to build as many as we want."

"That sounds nice," Eriol mused.

"I'm not going anywhere," Syaoran muttered darkly.

"Oh come on," Sakura coaxed, turning around in her seat and staring hopefully at his disgruntled face.  "It'll be fun."

He was adamant.  "No."

"It would probably be better for you to stay here," Eriol remarked, "after all, it does pay to be careful.  I've read about cases of severe frostbite around this area."  He then glanced at Tomoyo, who caught the gleam in his eyes and realized that he was on a roll.  

"Yes," she found herself saying in turn, "I think there were around a hundred casualties last year."  

"Hoe?" Sakura blinked.  "What happened to all those people?"

Eriol paused dramatically for effect.  "Their toes froze in the cold and fell off days later."

"You're not serious!" Syaoran demanded, eyes wide.  

"I know somebody who suffered from frostbite once," Tomoyo replied, "and she doesn't wear sandals.  Not anymore.  Apparently she lost two of her toes the previous winter---"

"HOEEE!!!"

"---they turned purple before they fell off, just like--"

"Like the way hair falls off," Eriol cut in, "like when you wake up in the morning and find strands of hair on your pillow; it's the same way.  You wake up and find your toes shriveled under the sheets---"

"---you can have them surgically attached, of course," Tomoyo chimed in, "but it won't be the same.  There's the sock problem, for one thing..."  

"Sock problem?" Sakura echoed, eyes growing larger and larger.

Eriol shook his head solemnly.  "You wouldn't want to know."

Syaoran's voice was weak.  "I'm gonna be sick."       

Tomoyo and Eriol eyed each other amusedly and, finally unable to help themselves, they laughed.

***

_There is a proper way to laugh.  ___

_First the mouth should be opened at a certain width --- small enough so as not to bare all the teeth --- then with the mouth held in this position, the air from the lungs should be released in short, rhythmic gasps of breath, like so --- ha, ha, ha, ha.  How much laughter there is depends entirely on the situation --- five counts would do for a polite response to a bad joke, ten hearty-sounding ha's would imply a higher degree of appreciation, and so on and so forth.  ___

_As children, we learned all that by heart.  Not only that; we also learned the proper way to sit, to stand, to walk, to eat, to write, to read, to speak, to breathe, to think, to feel, to live.  ___

_But now we are laughing and you are leaning forward in your chair, hair tumbling over your shoulders racked with convulsions of merriment, pressing a hand against your laughing mouth.  You know as well as I do that you are breaking all the rules --- the mouth too wide, the laughter too loud, the hand used in lieu of the more proper handkerchief...  But we are now older and reckless, mindless with glee and so I raise a drunken fist and yell, to hell with the rules! and you laugh even more, clapping your hands eagerly.  ___

_The more you lose yourself in mirth, the more I find myself drawn to you.___

_And the more I am drawn to you, the harder it is to pull away._

***

After class Sakura bounded up from her seat and declared that all four of them should go out for something hot to drink, but as soon as they all had reached the gate, she suddenly stopped in her tracks, a hand flying to her mouth.  "Oh no!"

"What's wrong, Sakura-chan?" Tomoyo asked.

"I forgot my history book back at the classroom!  We have homework for tomorrow, right?  I have to bring it home with me or else..." 

"You can borrow mine," Syaoran offered helpfully, as it was his habit to finish all his homework before he left school; but instead of accepting, Sakura grabbed his arm and pulled him back towards the school, shouting at Eriol and Tomoyo to go on ahead without them.  "We'll catch up soon!"

Her intentions were not lost on the two.

"Crude but effective," Eriol commented, smiling.

Tomoyo felt herself blush, not for the first time that day.  Did he mean that he wanted to be with her?  Was he thankful that Sakura had decided to play matchmaker at the last minute and leave them all alone by themselves?  Her head was reeling even as he turned to her and asked if she still wanted to go out for coffee.  It took her some time to come up with an answer.  "Tea would be better, I-I think," she stammered.

He paused to consider her reply.

"If so," he hesitated, "would you care to have tea at my house?"

And that was how she found herself sitting at the long oak able in Eriol's dining room, sipping tea from a china cup and watching Spinel Sun flit from plate to plate, serving biscuits and slices of chiffon cake.  

Tea on the dot, just like the English.  How quaint.

"Please have some," Spinel politely pushed a plate of sweets toward her with a paw.  A small blue-gray creature with translucent wings that flapped as it flew around busily, tucking a napkin here and there, deftly replacing the lid on the sugar cube bowl...  It was kind of cute, actually, and Tomoyo had a sudden urge to reach out and touch it just once, just like the first time she saw Kero-chan zoom around Sakura's room crazily like a clockwork toy on steroids.  Instead she reached for a biscuit.  "Thank you."

"I'm sorry that this is all we have to offer," Eriol apologized from the tall-backed red chair he was sitting in.  She looked over at him, and leaning against the red cushion like that he seemed very at ease with the setting, every inch the master of the house.  She smiled gratefully.  "Oh no, this is very delicious tea.  And I love the biscuits, too."

His dark blue eyes softened.  "Thank you very much."

"The tea is from England," Spinel piped up from Eriol's left, "and the biscuits were baked by Eriol himself."

"Really?" she blinked, surprised.  "It never occurred to me that---"

"He doesn't look like someone who'd bake well," the small blue-gray creature continued, "but he actually does."

The baking expert in question lifted the cup to his lips.  "Spinel, you sound overly patronizing."      

"But it's true!"

"Come to think of it," Tomoyo recalled, "you were the one who came up with the best pie back in fifth grade.  Remember that?"

"I wouldn't say it was the best one," Eriol modestly said, "but that was apple pie, I believe." 

"The whole class polished off the whole pan in two minutes," she giggled.     

He smiled in recognition.  "And sensei was screaming, 'Wait, don't finish it; I still haven't tasted it yet!'"

They laughed, remembering the home economics teacher in hysterics over the pan and its crumbs, when suddenly Nakuru, books under one arm, burst through the door with a flourish.  "I'M HOOOOOOME!!"

Spinel nodded.  "Welcome home."

"Hello, Ruby Moon," Eriol straightened up in his seat with a smile, "you remember Daidouji-san, right?"

"Of course I do," Nakuru huffed, settling down in a chair, "I happen to have a talent for remembering people."  

"Unfortunately that appears to be your _only_ talent," Spinel muttered, but the latter chose to ignore the retort and instead leaned across the table to smile at Tomoyo.  "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.  How's everything?"

"Fine, I guess," she shyly nodded.  "And how have you been doing, Nakuru-san?"

"Oh, everything's peachy," Nakuru beamed, holding up two fingers in a V sign.  "Hey, Suppi, where's my tea?"     

"Don't call me that."  A visibly annoyed Spinel pushed a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits toward him.  

While Nakuru fussed over the sugar content in the sweets and Spinel retorted how no amount of dieting would ever help him in the looks department, Tomoyo just sat there, watching them bicker and eat and drink tea and to her everything seemed so warm, so alive, so unlike the atmosphere at her own home.  She glanced at Eriol and he was leaning back in his chair, smiling indulgently at the scene before his eyes.  He had told her about his family at England before, but it didn't seem to her that he actually missed being away from them.  When I was a child, I was alone most of the time, he confessed, and she realized that they were so much alike; that they had grown up in the same dark halls, the same empty silence.  Maybe that was why he created Spinel Sun and Ruby Moon in the first place.  Although they weren't human, they kept him company.  They made him happy.  And that was the one important thing, wasn't it?     

While Spinel accidentally swallowed a biscuit the wrong way and started coughing like crazy, and Nakuru patted him on the back and poured him cup after cup of tea, Tomoyo met Eriol's gaze across the table and his dark blue eyes seemed to say, behold, this is the only family I know.  The only family I have.    

***

"It's getting dark," Eriol commented, glancing outside the window.    

Tomoyo didn't respond; she was entranced by the sight of Spinel Sun nestled in the crook of her arm, purring in his sleep like a warm cat.  Eventually the sugar in the biscuits had gotten to him, so he spent the rest of tea time in a severely intoxicated state, gobbling up the rest of the sweets, laughing hysterically and generally making a fool of himself (the spectacle somehow reminded Tomoyo of the Mad Hatter's Tea Party) until he finally broke down, exhausted, tumbling into her lap with a sigh.    

She gingerly touched a small blue-gray cheek and Spinel hiccupped, turning around and curling up into a tight little ball. 

A shadow fell over them and it was Eriol, smiling down at them.

"Everything seems to be all right now."         

"Yes," she softly said, "he had a lot of sweets today."

"I wasn't talking about Spinel."

He was obviously referring to her sobbing fit the other day.  

She looked up at him.  "Thank you so much for yesterday.  And I'm very sorry...I mean, about your blazer and everything--"

"It's all right.  I was more worried about you than anything else."

There it was again.  She felt the heat rush to her cheeks.  Flustered, she bent her head down and pretended to preoccupy herself with watching Spinel sleep. 

"I'm sorry," he immediately said, "I didn't mean to embarrass you."

She looked up at him and it was his turn to look away, a slight tinge of pink coloring his cheeks.

Eriol, blushing?    

"Daidouji-san," he began, "I've been thinking---"

"Yes?" 

"About yesterday..." he hesitated.  "Well, I won't ask about it anymore and you don't have to tell me about it if you don't want to, but I was thinking that...well, from now on, I mean, if something happens again and you feel like talking about it, I might be able to help.  Even a little.  So..."

Pause.

They both blinked.      

"Come again?" Tomoyo giggled, amused.

He gave a mock sigh of impatience, as if he were annoyed with himself.  "What I'm trying to say here is --- I want you to know that you can always confide in me.  They always say that if you have a problem, talking about it with somebody else helps.  Or so I read somewhere."

"That's very nice of you," she smiled. "I think I'll take you on that offer.  Thank you." 

He smiled back, and suddenly leaned closer to whisper conspiratorially.  "Of course you don't have to limit yourself to your usual troubles; I also offer legal advice, fortune-telling, dream interpretation---"

She playfully swatted him away, laughing.  

"We should start signing the contract then," he pretended to dig in his pocket for a pen.

"On two conditions."

His eyes widened.  "Which are?"     

Tomoyo had to keep from laughing at the puzzled expression on his face, but instead she stared up at him, suddenly businesslike.  "First, you must confide in _me_ when you have something on your mind, and second, you must call me by my first name from now on."

"Well..." he cocked his head to one side and pretended to consider his options.  "That sounds fair enough."

"So how about it," she took a deep breath, "Eriol?"

Pause.

He stared at her, momentarily taken aback.  Then slowly, almost shyly, he smiled at her and she did too, reaching up and holding out her small finger.  He did the same, gently entwining his finger with hers in a silent yubikiri.  

"It's a deal," his eyes softened, "Tomoyo."  

From her arms, Spinel let out a soft happy giggle, still lost in his dreams.  

***

The last day of school for the year had ended.

Tomoyo sipped her tea while she sat at a table in a cafe with Eriol, Sakura, and Syaoran, who was talking about something she didn't quite get the first time.  Even inside the cafe the air was busy, filled with bright chatter and exclamations of excitement; and outside the vast whiteness was packed with jubilant, laughing children staging snowball fights, building snowmen, or simply romping around in restless anticipation of the slopes.

Christmas was less than a week away.  Was that what Syaoran had been talking about?

"Hong Kong," he repeated emphatically, as if reading her mind, "I said, would you like to come to Hong Kong with us."

"'Us'?" Eriol echoed, raising an eyebrow.

"He meant me," Sakura helpfully said, "and Otousan and Oniichan and Yukito-san and of course Kero-chan --- but that's supposed to be a secret."  

"You're all going to Hong Kong for the holidays?" Tomoyo asked.

Syaoran nodded.  "My mother told me to invite Sakura over, and--"

"--and Oniichan wouldn't let me go alone," Sakura cut in, "so everybody's coming with me."

"That's too bad," Tomoyo sympathetically said, and watched as Syaoran turned red and coughed into his coffee cup.

Fortunately for him, Sakura didn't appear to notice.  "Eriol-kun, would you like to come with us?" 

Eriol smiled.  "It's very nice of you to ask, but unfortunately I already have plans for Christmas, and..."

And?  

Tomoyo glanced at him, expecting him to say more, but he left it at that and Sakura was asking her if she wanted to go.

"I'd love to come along," she replied, "but Okaasama's planning a Christmas party and I promised I'd be there."

"So it'll be just me and my family, then," Sakura sighed, slightly disappointed, sipping her tea.

"But there's Li-kun," Eriol pointed out, and this time it was both Sakura and Syaoran who sputtered into their cups.

"Christmas in Hong Kong," Tomoyo smiled, "how romantic!"

Syaoran glowered at her.  "Cut that out."

To his dismay, Eriol decided to join in.  "I always thought that bringing a girl to meet the family is a sign that--"

"Something hot and heavy is going on," Tomoyo finished for him, winking.

"Tomoyo-chan!" Sakura protested feebly.  

Before the teasing could go on, however, Syaoran's cup suddenly crashed on the saucer as his amber eyes widened.  "Shimatta!  I completely forgot!"

The rest gaped at him.  "Forgot what?" 

He turned to Sakura.  "The phone call!"

Sakura blanched.  "You mean your mother's calling you up at home this very instant?"

"Aa."  Syaoran hurriedly jumped up from his seat, quickly slipping on his coat and gloves.  "I have to be there in time or else--"

Tomoyo blinked, confused.  "Or else?"

Sakura shrugged and waved a quick goodbye to them as she followed Syaoran, who was already outside the door.

"His mother, Li Yelan," Eriol remarked to nobody in particular, "is a woman who doesn't like to be kept waiting."  His eyes were oddly 

dark, unfamiliar, lost in the thoughts and memories of another.  Slightly panicking, Tomoyo wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him back to the Eriol she knew, but to her relief he suddenly straightened up in his seat and smiled at her.  The shadow in his eyes was gone.  He drained the contents of his tea cup, set it down on the saucer, then held up a hand to call the waiter for a refill --- for a moment looking like just any other ordinary junior high school boy asking for another cup of tea.  

***

The snowflakes whirled and danced around them, tangling themselves in her long dark hair, his muffler, her coat, his glasses, disappearing under their shoes while they made their way down the snow-lined street.  "Eriol, what exactly are you doing this Christmas?" Tomoyo asked curiously, tucking her muffler more tightly about her neck.  

He stopped in his tracks to take off his glasses and wipe away the mist with his fingers.  "Nothing special, really.  Spinel, Ruby Moon and I will be returning to England for a few days--"

"Oh," she said, crestfallen.

"--then when we come back we might have a fancy dinner together, then maybe head out to the Tokyo Tower and watch the stars if the night sky is clear."

"That sounds nice," she sighed wistfully.  "And here I am stuck with a big party on Christmas Eve."

"I take it you're not too happy about it."  The glasses were back on, and he squinted through the hazy lens.  

She paused to fish out her handkerchief from her pocket and offer it to him.  "It's not that, but...  I don't know.  My friends all have plans for the holidays, and since they're all spending Christmas with other people, the party will be filled with just my mother's friends and business partners and it'll be no more different than those corporate parties she always goes to..."

He took the handkerchief and wiped his glasses one more time.  "I see."

"Anywhere is better than here," she sighed, "and I do want to go to Hong Kong, but if I did that I'd just be a third wheel." 

He smiled.  "That's not true."

"Probably not," she shrugged, "but Li-kun and Sakura-chan need time to themselves, after all."

He put on his glasses again, pushed them up the bridge of his nose, and absently looked up at the sky.  "Now I remember.  In Japan, Christmas is a holiday for lovers, isn't it?"

"Unfortunately," Tomoyo laughed, rather bitterly.

As if to drive home her point, a couple or two passed by, arms linked, talking and laughing.  For a moment Tomoyo felt envious, her chest tightening in self-pity at the sight of her own arms, empty and wanting.

Eriol handed back her handkerchief.

"So what will you do, then?"

She shrugged.  "I have no choice but to go to the party, I guess."

"You can always come spend Christmas with us," he suggested kindly, and at the thought of dinner by candlelight, sitting at that long oak table with him, Ruby Moon, and Spinel Sun, she suddenly brightened up.  "That sounds nice."

"I'm afraid we might not offer enough entertainment," he smiled, "but we can always give Spinel a little sugar and watch him dance around the table."  

They laughed and sobered at the same time.

"Tomoyo."  His voice was soft.

"What?"

"You have snowflakes in your hair."

"You too," she giggled, and this time it was she who moved closer and nimbly brushed the snow off his dark hair.  He said something about too much snow in Tomoeda or something remotely related to that but she couldn't tell, for she wasn't listening.  He didn't mind; he wasn't listening to himself either.  His dark blue eyes held her violet ones steadily as his lips let loose a steady stream of mindless chatter.  Temperatures this year are a record low, he was saying.  Her hand fell to his muffler, straightening it.  She knew she had to move away, to stop touching him, but standing near him --- so near that their breaths mingled and his glasses were starting to mist over --- she couldn't move.  But her hand finally fell away, and they stared at each other.

What next? somebody should've asked.  Maybe somebody should've cracked a joke.  Or maybe somebody should've gracefully taken a step back, watching from a more safe distance.  Maybe somebody should've stepped closer.  

But nobody moved.

Nobody moved at all.  

***

_kirameku kaze ga, toiki no you ni yawarakaku___

_kata o tsutsumu yo___

_chiheisen no mukou kara___

_aruite kuru hito o mitsumeteru___

_koko ni kite___

The sparkling wind, soft as a sigh,

wraps itself around your shoulders.

Gazing at someone walking near,

coming from beyond the horizon:

_come here._

It was about the twentieth time she had played the song that night.  It probably didn't matter.  From below came faint sounds of laughing, the tinkling of wine glasses, the drone of conversation, the catchy rhythm of a jazz band --- sounds of that year's Christmas party.  Tomoyo sighed and turned up the volume to drown it all out.    

There was a sharp rap on the door.  "Tomoyo?"  It was her mother.  "Tomoyo dear, what are you doing in there?  Come join us downstairs; I have some people I'd like you to meet."

She reluctantly turned off the CD player.  "I'm coming."

As she rose from her bed, she caught a glimpse of herself in the dresser mirror.  A radiant vision in velvet, gushed the maids, lifting her long dark hair over her shoulders and tucking it into an elegant chignon.  Here, wear this necklace and we'll put a little blush in your cheeks and you'll surely be the most beautiful girl at the party.

"But I don't want to go," she whispered to her velvet-clad reflection.  

A while ago she sneaked a peek at the hall downstairs and was overwhelmed at seeing so many people at once --- mostly strangers --- eating and drinking and dancing and making merry.  It was a busy, noisy party; a far cry from all her previous Christmases.  Her mother, playing hostess, was in her element; smiling and making sure everyone was having fun.  Tomoyo decided to leave her there, thinking that she wouldn't be missed.  But there it came again, that insistent knocking on her door.

"Tomoyo, what on earth is taking you so long?" 

She sighed.  "All right, all right..."

Opening the door, she found her mother standing outside, wineglass in hand.  "There you are.  I've been looking all over for you."

"I'm sorry.  You said you wanted to introduce me to some people?"

"Yes, and I need you to stand watch at the door and welcome the rest of the guests."

"What?" Tomoyo blinked.  "But it's already been two hours since it all started and---"

Her mother was already hurrying down the stairs.  "And check if they have invitations, too!"

Tomoyo sighed again and made her way downstairs.  It was impossible to argue with her mother when she was busy like this.  She imagined  Sakura and the others seated on a plane to Hong Kong, and sighed heavily.  They must be having so much fun, she thought, with a twinge of envy.  Another picture flitted through her mind --- a small candlelit dinner, Ruby Moon and Spinel fighting, Eriol leaning back in his seat with a smile...  

Eriol.

Was he still in England?  Or was he back at that long oak table, having dinner with Spinel and Ruby Moon?  No, maybe he was up at Tokyo Tower, gazing at the stars.  She didn't really know.  It's been days since they last talked, and for some reason she couldn't bring herself to call him up and ask about him, maybe even greet him a Merry Christmas while she was at it.  The last time they were together, the holiday greeting had completely slipped from her mind.  She had been too busy staring at him --- or was he the one staring at her? --- too confused, too scared to come up with something to say.  Something --- a pregnant pause, a premonition perhaps --- was hanging in the air between them.  They both could feel it.  But so much had yet to be figured out.  For her part Tomoyo had so many questions, like: why would a stare from those dark blue eyes throw her thoughts into such a turmoil?  It was starting to bother her.      

Tomoyo was jerked from her reverie as Sonomi took her arm and firmly led her into the middle of the party, showing her off to the guests.  "Everyone, I'd like you to meet my daughter Tomoyo."  

Before she could smile and say _how do you do_, everyone started crowding around her, cooing, smiling, gushing at how beautiful she was in velvet, how her smile was so like Sonomi's; the men asking if she would like some wine or maybe an hors d' oeuvre or two, or if she would like to dance afterwards...  Tomoyo wasn't used to being the center of attention, and it visibly showed in her flushed face, in her nervously clasped hands, in the way she stumbled over some of her words --- but unfortunately for her they seemed to find her shyness particularly charming, and they continued to ask her about school and her hobbies and refilled her still-full glass over and over until it seemed like there was no escape--

Then she remembered.

"Excuse me," Tomoyo hastily said, "but I must stand guard at the door in case more guests arrive."  Bowing while they protested, she gracefully made her exit.  Out of the hall, into the empty foyer.  She sighed in relief.  Maybe a breath of fresh air would be nice, she thought, opening the front door and stepping outside in the cold.  

Then her mouth fell open in amazement.

A few feet before her, standing in the snow, was Eriol.  He appeared to be studying the bouquet of violets in his hand.  His head jerked up in surprise as her footsteps sounded out, and they gaped at each other.

"Good evening," he said, slightly embarrassed. 

"Good evening," she automatically said, her mind still trying to catch up.

"I was invited to the Daidouji Christmas party--"  He held out a white envelope, and in the dim light she could barely make out his name written in an elegant script.  

Her mother's hand.          

"I thought you were in England," was all she could say.

"We just came back yesterday," he explained.  "This afternoon Ruby Moon found out that Sakura-san and the others went to Hong Kong for the holidays, and he miraculously managed to book a last minute flight to Hong Kong himself, so I had no choice but to--"

A bit of snow drifted on him, catching in his hair, the heavy coat he wore over his suit.  

"--bring him and Spinel to the airport and we arrived there two minutes before take-off--"

Pale flesh against white.  A barely perceptible difference between the two, but there was the darkness in his hair, his coat, his eyes.  

"--they barely had enough time to pack a suitcase and everything, but Ruby Moon was determined to catch up even if he had to end up swimming all the way there, or so he said..." 

She finally stepped off the porch, her shoes sinking in the white softness as she slowly, cautiously made her way to where he was standing.  "You know Ruby Moon, he can be so impulsive sometimes," he softly said, but he was watching her carefully.

"All for the love of Touya-oniisan," she giggled, gingerly taking another step.        

He moved forward and held out his free hand to help her.  She gratefully confided her hand to his grasp.

"Aren't you cold like that?"

"Not really."

They slightly moved back to gaze at each other.

"You..."  He hesitated, dark blue eyes softening.  "You look beautiful in that dress."

"Thank you."  She flushed.  "You look good in that suit as well."

He slightly reddened, casting his gaze at the violets in his hand.  "Here, I hope you li--."

Something suddenly fell from the sky and landed on the snow beside their feet.  They sprang apart, then looked down.  

It was a sprig of mistletoe.  

"Tomoyo!" her mother's voice rang out from the window above their heads, "go for it, dear!!"  Then the shutter closed with a bang.

They both stared down at the mistletoe, stunned.  

Tomoyo's head was reeling.  Was _this _also part of the 'something special' her mother had in mind?  

Eriol was eyeing the sprig bemusedly.  "As far as I know, mistletoe should be hung over the head, not tossed out of windows."

"That's what I think, too."  Her voice was weak.

He bent over gracefully and picked up the sprig, brushing off the snow from it.  "Anyway, I appreciate the thought."

Tomoyo stared at the dark hair falling over his eyes, the paleness of his cheeks, the wire-framed glasses.  There was nothing wrong; he was still Hiiragizawa Eriol, the one who sat behind her all these years, the one who invited her to come over for tea, the one who held her when she broke down and cried, the one who played the ballad that made her think of sunshine.  Two circles for eyes, two larger circles for glasses, a wide smiling mouth.

But now he was so much more than that.

His eyes were dark, almost sad as he turned the sprig over and over in his fingers.  "It's funny," he was saying, almost to himself, "I was actually hoping for something like this."   

"For mistletoe?" she asked, feeling her heart pound madly in her chest.

He didn't answer.  "Here, these flowers are for you."  The violets softly fell into her arms.  "They go well with your dress.  I guess I'd better be going now, since I arrived so late and it would be embarrassing to barge in a party that's been in full swing for hours..."

And for a moment she thought he'd actually turn on his heel and walk away, so she instinctively reached out and gripped his arm, tightly.  "W-wait, Eriol--"

He blinked.  "What is it?"

"You forgot something."  The words mindlessly tumbled out of her mouth.

"And that is?"  He turned back to her, hopeful.

Slowly, she took the sprig of mistletoe from his fingers and awkwardly held it above their heads. 

His dark blue eyes widened at first, then softened in understanding, and eventually clouded over with uncertainty. 

With longing.

"Remember the old adage," he whispered,  "'Be careful what you wish for'."

She didn't back down.  "I _am_ being careful here.  In fact I've been thinking about this for some time now.  There's so much you still haven't told me, and I want you to..."

"To?" He hung back, still waiting. 

"--To tell me what's going on right now, because I don't have a clue."

Something flickered in his eyes.  "Even if I told you, it wouldn't matter."

"Don't give me that," she snapped.  "We promised to tell each other everything, or have you forgotten?" 

It was the streak of Sonomi in her, that defiant stare, that steady hand clutching a sprig of mistletoe above them.  Eriol saw her fiery side and felt a surge of warmth inside him at the vision.  She was so beautiful...  

"Tomoyo."

"Yes?" she asked, and her voice trembled a little, betraying her own nervousness.  And this uncertainty was also familiarly Tomoyo ---- violet eyes wide with expectation, the slight flush of red in her cheeks, the uneven rise and fall of her chest with every breath.     

He stood at the other side of the line, tempted to cross over, but lacking the courage to do so.

It's not you she needs, the voice in his head was saying, and for a moment he hung back, afraid, but there she was, staring him down and yet voicing out such a gentle plea.  _Come here.  _Before he knew it, he was moving closer, reaching out a hand to gently brush away a stray tendril of hair from her forehead, before his fingers slowly trailed down to cup her cheek.   

She closed her eyes for a moment, shivering slightly.  It was probably the cold.

He hesitated.  "Tomoyo?"

"Yes," she murmured, pressing her own palm against his hand.  

It was her assent that did him in.  

Helplessly drawn to her, he finally closed the distance. 

***

_Some tales are bound to end like this.___

_Snow, drifting down in a shimmering haze of white.___

_Violets caught in the warmth of a tight embrace.___

_And, finally, ___

_a sprig of mistletoe lying in the frost, ___

_blissfully forgotten._

[O.Wa.Ri.]


End file.
